Thursday, 18 June 2015

On Grey Time

I am blessed as I receive lots of love and attention from those around me, my family, friends and of course my gorgeous son.   We have chosen each other well. In spite of this, waves of loneliness have been hitting quite hard recently They come and go and will probably pass. These sad feelings are triggered by different things.  The couples who've been happily married for yonks  and who're now riding with the adversity of dementia together bring it on. And then there's the two magpies that inhabit the campsite......I might make a linocut to immortalise them once I've finished the hares.  Sometimes it would be wonderful to get home and find someone making my supper.  Not some random stranger.  That would be a bit weird.   But it would be good to have someone around who shares our own little secrets as well as food.  It feels like I also have so much to give  but I have to keep the goodies in a big sack that's fit to burst.  Why do I tell you all this?  Well, you all need to know that it's okay for a happy sorted person to experience negative emotions some of the time.  In fact I wouldn't be right in the head if it were not so.

At the moment I'm alone but not lonely.  My solitary trip to France  last year was a learning experience. It taught me that sometimes it is good to distance myself  from civilisation.   I've done so this time to finish my latest essay.  Five whole days on my tod.

My isolation is not total I hasten to add.  I'm still making phone calls, answering emails and popping to the shop for milk and snacks.   What if someone turned up and dragged me down the pub for the proverbial pie and pint?  Well I'm a sociable beastie really and it would be rude not to go!

The important thing is that I've made no plans to see anyone.   What it means is that I can set the pace of my life for a few days without having to work to anyone else's agenda.  Doing what I want when I want.   I study, meditate, potter, eat, exercise, sleep .......all at my own pace throughout a 24 hour period.   I can turn time upside down if I like.  There's no-one else to look after but myself.  For someone that craves flexibility it's incredibly restorative.  And I'm so fortunate to be able to do this.  Not everyone has the luxury of breathing space.

12 comments:

  1. I used to be lonely, often. Now I have a good balance. I can go out if I want to, or I can stay in. At the moment I have commitments to help people with their pets. Not commitments set in stone, I could say no. But I don't because it adds structure to my life. I know there will be 'me' time in a couple of weeks, when I can gaze out of the window and say, yeah, couldn't be better.

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  2. So interesting to ponder. I've sometimes lamented that I've never lived alone. I know life can change on a turn so may experience it at any time. I hope I will figure out the difference between being alone and being lonely. Though having the wrong someone in life can feel very lonely.

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    1. I've said before that I'd worked out that it's better to be lonely alone than with someone..I reckon most of us have been there and that can be akin to living he'll. Short bouts of sadness are bearable.

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  3. Lady Magnon loves to travel; I love to stay put. When she's away (often for 6 weeks or more at a time) I love the solitude. Then when she returns, I love it even more.

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    1. I think that's what I'd like. Someone who slings their hook every so often!

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    2. That would suit me as well. I knew a couple who each had a house next door to each other, it worked well. Time together and time apart is a good arrangement I'd say.

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    3. If it's good enough for Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton it's good enough for me. I've met quite a lot of older couples who marry and retain two houses. There's no arguing then amongst families about inheritances. It makes everything simpler. x

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    4. My partner and I live in separate streets...

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    5. There! I always knew that you were a sensible type. x

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  4. The worst kind of loneliness is when you are in a relationship and are desperately lonely.

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    1. Absolutely as I've said above. Now that kind of situation needs careful evaluation of what's going on and whether or not it can be fixed. xx

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