Monday, 14 March 2016

Lazy Bones?

I'm uncharacteristically late blogging today as I returned to bed exhausted just from the effort of waking Louis up, feeding him breakfast and getting him to the bus stop on time. And this was a morning where everything went smoothly.  There were no major revelations about lost kit or homework that should have been done over the weekend.  The school bags were packed last night ready to go by the door.  He was as good as gold.   I did not throw one of the paddies that have been more frequent of late!

So what's the reason for my complete lethargy? Well these lines sum up the main problem.  I'm loving them.  They so speak for me.   For God knows how many months I've  woken in the wee hours in a blind panic about the stuff that shook my view of myself  as someone who could pretty much cope with whatever crap life threw at them.  

I thought that this time off sick would be a chance to work out the complex stuff like whether I can still sustain working in the mental health sector of the NHS or whether I should look for another job or self employment.  But I'm leaping ahead of myself.  I realise now that I can't answer things like that until I suss out solutions around getting my basic needs right first.    I didn't realise that it would take so long to work these out.

12 comments:

  1. The last 12 months of my job in the NHS before deciding to quit became increasingly stressful. I couldn't sleep and I felt miserable and depressed. I did not want to spend any of my precious life feeling that way. I know you have said before that you can't quit but maybe there is somewhere else within the service you could work. This is your precious life, there are always options. X

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    1. Thanks for sharing this. I'll be exploring my options when I'm well enough. As you aay life is too short to be like this. The,spanner in the,works is that I love the clinical work that I do. x

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  2. Lovely Grey,
    Why not try doing what your body wants, sleep when tired eat when hungry!. Ignore the clock for now. Sure you need to be there for Louis, but in between times, why not just be!.
    Pleases don,t even attempt to make any decicions just now you are not well.
    If someone had a broken leg you wouldn't,t dream of making them walk, you have an illness depression so try to let your mind relax and heal.
    There is no hurry or race to get well, will add stress and is counterproductive.
    In NHS you are entitled to 6 months full pay and 6 months half, use it to get well.
    Regards Kirrie x

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    1. Yep that's where I'm at, resting when I need to, gentle exeecise, meditating, doing bits and pieces to make my home the sanctuary it needs to be. I'm enjoying these and I and mental health colleagues don't think I'm depressed. Then I have no enjoyment, ruminate, get paranoid,feel physically ill and have little motivation to do the things I usually enjoy. This stress thing is a different beastie. It makes childcare and work where others are in control seem overwhelming but doesn't take away all enjoyment. Funnily enough I can't work out what is worse! x

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  3. Ignore what colleagues are saying, stress and depression are entwined. Actually label not importaint. Just you taking time to feel well again.

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  4. I am with Kirrie…let time be your healer and when you can't sleep in the night put the radio on….I find LBC sends me back to sleep in no time! I can set my radio to go off in 15 or 30 minutes and I am usually back to sleep by then . (It stops my brain thinking about the next day)

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    1. I've been listening to meditation tracks on Youtube when I can't sleep. They serve the same purpose. x

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  5. Both my adult daughter and I have been working for about the last 3 years on most of the issues I imagine you are facing. The one most important lesson I've learned is to be patient, to celebrate the small victories, let the bad times work themselves out (yes, at exactly 3 in the morning, although I'm in a different time zone!)and to stop hating myself for being in a tough spot. There really is a connection between creativity, sensitivity, etc. and various degrees of despair--it's not just you! My daughter and I have both been most helped by Dialectic Behavior Therapy, an approach that is gaining ground in the US. I don't know what the equivalent silly name is in England, but you might investigate it. Meanwhile, when I'm awake at 3 with very grim thoughts, I'll send you a little caring, and be glad none of us is ever really alone. Take good care, Kate in Oregon

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    1. Hi Kate - thanks for sharing this. My thoughts go out to you and your daughter. Yes DBT is used here in the trust where I work. I think though that it's used exclusively for people with diagnosed personality disorders (horrible term!). Some of the stuff that I'm doing in therapy and on life around mindfulness and acceptance has features of this type of treatment.

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