Saturday, 30 July 2016

The One I'm Not Reading

What surprises me about  the grief at the lost of my sister is the range of emotions I'm experiencing.  I usually wake up numb, my efforts are sometimes laboured and I can be tearful at the drop of a hat.  I was expecting all those.  What I hadn't anticipated were the times, just hours after Esther's death, that I can function as if nothing untoward had happened.  I can laugh, enjoy the company of my kid and plan for a wonderful productive future, the rest of my own life however long that might be.  No-one knows.

In stark contrast to our family's loss, my brother gets married today.  The wedding is still going ahead.  My sister would not have wanted it to be cancelled.   The day was planned with the hope that, after the end of her chemotherapy treatment,  Esther would be well enough to enjoy it.

Of course this will be a bittersweet occasion but one that will be marked by much joy and outpourings of love to heavily punctuate our sadness. I'm doing a reading at the ceremony.  My future sister in law dithered over her selection and sent me two lots of verse.  I practised this one and then the other, a modern poem, was her final choice.  This beautiful bit of Shakespeare still deserves an airing for its overall relevance at this time.


  1. I have found that bereavement pays no attention to time. People say 'time heals' - but 35 years on, I still have moments when I weep for my mother. But the gaps between those aching, heartwrenching moments get longer. And yes, there are still moments of total joy and exhilaration when life is sweet and beautiful. And if I do remember her in the midst of them [as at my daughter's wedding last year] I know she would be glad we are joyful, and I feel no false guilt for our happiness. Thinking of you at the wedding - God sustain and bless you all. great sonnet - as Scripture says - 'many waters cannot quench love' - you have all been through deep waters recently, but the love in your family shines through. Much love xx

  2. Time will not heal. I read a thing a while ago on the Internet ( maybe from you ) about grief coming at you in waves. Let me see if I can find it X

  3. Time will not heal - what I meant was, time will eek out the waves of grief that wash over you xx

    1. Thanks for finding that. Wonderful. xx

  4. Yes, it is odd how you can continue to function normally in parts of the day. My parents died over 50 years ago and I still get days when I miss them so dreadfully. I hope that the wedding will be a cheery day for all concerned. xx