Bollocks! I'm going through one of those periods in life where nothing is straightforward. The wardrobe pallaver that is going on right now is a case in point. I bought this beauty from Ebay the other day as I've needed one for the spare room since I moved into the house nearly two years ago. 'So what's it doing in the dining room?' You may well ask. The bloody thing doesn't fit up the stairs!
It looked like it was held together with hundreds of screws, like a posh flatpack. So I took them all out. The wardrobe remained resolutely intact. A closer inspection revealed some nifty joints and a hell of a lot of very strong glue indeed. Arse! All efforts shed my fishwife capacity for swearing were going out of the window.
My boys call themselves my poofter warriors, on call to lend a helping hand and defend me to the last against marauders. So that's why I called Mr Metrosexual. 'I need a burly poof!' I cried, using the term fondly as a term of endearment. 'I'll pop round' he said.
When he arrived he was cross. I've been used to being self reliant for years and, ignoring manual handling advice, had tried to take things into my own hands. Consequently my utility tallboy that had been in the dining room alcove was on the landing halfway up the stairs. It was a bit of a squeeze to get past A lovely old gentleman's wardrobe that normally sits on the outside Louis' loft room was wedged on the bannisters. 'What the f**k!' he exclaimed. It was his turn to get sweary.
I'm resigned to the fact that I've bought an armoire. It's very French to have something that looks like a wardrobe in your kitchen-diner. And maybe it's not such a bad thing. The door of the cupboard under the stairs is always open because the coats aren't a good fit. And there's always shoes in the hall. They could go in there too. So I thought that Louis' wardrobe could come down from the attic and go in the spare room and he could have the tallboy to replace it. He never hangs anything up anyway.
The combined efforts of me and Mr Metrosexual were not sufficient to effect the change around although the wardrobe is back in the attic and the tallboy is now in the spare room. The job is half done. I'll show you the transformation once all my furniture is in its intended spaces in the house. All I need to do to achieve that is find a burlier helper!